I've been on Holiday...

Apologies for another entry chasm. It almost seems now like all my entries are just me saying sorry for not doing enough entries. Maybe I should change the title to "the man with no 9-5 yet is too lazy to tell you about anything". My latest excuse is that I took a 10 day holiday to Marbella, which is essentially like going on holiday in a warmer version of Liverpool or Essex. "Spot the Spaniard" was a popular holiday game.


I will try to get back into the flow of writing these weekly but I've been concentrating on trying to write my Edinburgh Show. Which, if you haven't bought tickets for I thoroughly recommend you do. I think it will be a lot better than last year's show and will include entries from my dad's food diary. Then again I also thought that a potato counted as one of my 5 a day, so what the chuff do I know.


I'm currently sitting in a flat in Dublin on a Friday evening before I go say some jokes. Therefore, I'll give you a couple of little observations from my Irish visit. It's probably my favourite visit to Ireland; not because of anything that's happened but because I bought some serious hand luggage. Good luggage is ridiculously expensive but then againI now feel like a badboy as it's got 4 wheels and I can push it along size me like a plastic pet. I've also seen a homeless man in Dublin with a pet rabbit. I know the recession is bad but how hard up have you got to be when you can't find a free stray dog? maybe he's so munted that he thinks it's a puppy? Either way I wanted to take a photo but felt guilty so just did the standard awkward thing of ignoring him. Tomorrow I plan on buying him a hutch.

My final note about Ireland is that it's so friendly over here that when I went to use a toilet from the train between Galway and Dublin, I locked the door and a voiceover said "Thank You". Nice touch. Although, a bizarre thing to thank a human being for. I did not get thanked after finishing my business.

Right I'm off to go eat 5 potatoes. Edinburgh link is on my website.

Bye,bye, bye...bye

30 April- 11 May: Kiwi Catch Up

When you’re in a new country having fun and eating loads of sushi it is hard to motivate yourself to sit down and write something, especially when there is lazer tag to be played. I’ll give you a run down of some fun things I ended up doing aside from telling jokes in NZ.

- Megazone aka lazer tag. I was top gun for my team but miles behind Jordan from Axis of Awesome. He is in fact too good at the game to the point of sad. I’d say I’m just the right amount of good at it.

- Jumped off the highest building in NZ. The Sky tower. I nearly did a shit out of my tits when I was standing at the top but the jump itself was a blast.

- Ate sushi

- Rented mopeds and drove around an island. Unlike the last time I went on a moped I didn’t drive this one into a restaurant.

- Went on a jet boat. Did some 360 spins, which mad me feel sick. Highlight of the trip was actually the driver trying to say a funny joke to a boat of comedians but got heckled by Gordon Southern.

- Ate sushi

- Ran on a beach

- Ate sushi

I also made some new friends, which I always love. Big shout outs to Bill Dawes, Frehd and Gordon Southern, Brendon Burns, Dead Cat Bounce. I also blagged free goodies on the plane back: Champagne, wash-bag, pajamas and seat with extra leg room. If I don’t get free stuff or an ugrade on every flight for the rest of my life I will jump out of one of the tiny windows.

Go to New Zealand, it’s really neat, (I should work for their tourist board)

23-27 April: …From a Land Down Under

I made it to New Zealand without dying. Another country on my travels where prostitution is legal. It seems to be a new rule I have. I only gig in countries where you have it off with a prostie without getting banged up. Not for my pleasure but it’s just comforting to know that none of the men around me ever have to be alone at night if they’re feeling unloved.

After shamelessly blagging a cheeky upgrade to premium economy I spent all week being jet lagged. I’d say the worst thing about jet-lag isn’t the dreamlike dizziness and the fatigue but the fact that all you seem to talk about is how jet lagged you are. This boring repartee if anything just adds to your tiredness. Now that I’m typing about it, I can actually feel it creeping back into my system. However, it’s not all I did for the first few days here. I’m in New Zealand, the other side of the world with countless activities, so naturally I watched the first series of Game of Thrones in my serviced apartment (like a mixture between a hotel room and a flat; the best thing about it is that I get to tell everyone I’m staying in a serviced apartment). GOT, is incredible. I never thought I’d be so addicted to watching dwarfs, incest and Sean Bean being a proper Yorkshire bloke. Even if you don’t like fantasy/medieval stuff, I recommend you give it a go. The main thing that has stuck with me after watching it, is that our lives are so much cushier than back then because almost every week someone you love gets murdered or raped.
As the jet-lag subsided I managed to, shows aside, do something constructive. Me and a few other great men (Bill Dawes, Dead Cat Bounce & one third of Axis of Awesome) went on a cycling tour around the vineyards of Waihiki. Being disorganized comedians we messed up the timings and basically rode on a bike to one vineyard and got drunk. On an island of seven thousand inhabitants we somehow managed to meet a slightly anti-Semitic Ukrainian girl and British girl who grew up near me. I will not going into details about this as there is a lot of you had to be there moments but my quote of the week goes to Bill Dawes. The 50 year old ex-pat guy we rented the bikes of seemed really mean and weird so I said to Bill:

“Does the bike rental guy seem weird to you? I’ve no idea why he’s so rude”

Bill perfectly concise American response:

“Dude, he sells bikes…on an Island. Of course he’s weird”

On that brilliantly valid point. Toodles

April 2-21st: I’ve continued to be lazy.

In my defence I’ve had lots of other things to write but bearing in mind this only takes a few minutes out of my week I should really have kept on top of it. Especially as one of the activities I participated in was having a swim and a sit in a Jacuzzi; although you can’t take your laptop into the swimming pool area of my gym for obvious reasons.


I’m now sitting in a café waiting to fly to New Zealand. So what I’ll do to make up for this big blog vaccum is write some extra interesting entries from down under. Either that or I’ll be too distracted and so forget for the next three weeks.


I just tried to blag a free upgrade on Qantas and failed miserably. I wore a shirt and everything. Shouting that at the check in girl doesn’t in fact aid your quest for an upgrade.


I’ll be in touch soon…or not.


P.S. I wrote this before my journey and am publishing it from NZ. In this time frame I did manage to get an upgrade on the first journey into Premium Economy. It's the closest thing to winning a trophy, I will ever achieve. Big thanks to Adam for helping me out.

12-30th March. I’ve been lazy.

This is one of those entries where I’ve got behind on my blog so I will go through some of the highlights in one super-blog. By calling it that, I’ve made it sound way better than what it actually is: a shit, patched together collection of things.

I’ve been to exciting and far flung places I the last month: Zurich, Basle, Westfield (Shepherd’s Bush). You may think that is a joke but the latter is a very exciting place for me to go in a weekday afternoon due to the large number of comedians walking around it. I was there two afternoons in a row: one because I had to visit an ironically titled genius in the apple store and the other was to do some writing with a coupe of people. I managed to bump into most of the comedy circuit including Whitehall, Walsh, Connaty, Donnelly, Crosby, Beckett. If you want to stalk a comedian just hang around the cupcake shop of a shopping centre and you’ll be no more that 5 metres away from one. We are like rats…rats that carry shoulder bags.

I usually hate going into the Apple Store, although one man made the visit worthwhile. As I was waiting for some arsehole in a blue t-shirt to make me feel like a techno-tard, I overheard a man trying to barter for an Iphone. His was broken and so the guy brought out a replacement for £120. The man (wearing a Man U football shirt, smart trousers and black trainers) said “can’t you do me a different price?” He must have confused the Apple Store with a market in Thailand. Pretty understandable as they look so similar.

I should probably talk about Switzerland as it’san usual country. It’s unaffected by the recession, ridiculously clean and supposedly very boring. I disagree about the boring bit. Walking around the place I saw several old men in business suits traveling around on micro scooters. It’s almost like the older you get there the more childish the transport. I wonder if you get given a pogo stick when you retire? Also everyone there is fit. I saw one fat person in 3 days, and they were probably only fat because no one got them a micro-scooter for Christmas. Apparently Swiss people keep themselves to themselves but I didn’t meet any so I can’t confirm or deny this. Also the final thing I learnt is prostitution is legal but being too loud after 10pm is illegal. Therefore, If you have loud sex with a prostitute at 10:30pm the only thing you will get banged up for is being noisy.

I’m currently sitting on a train back to London from Newcastle. I’m in first class trying to cash in by continuously requesting free bottles of Harrogate Spring.

Laterz x

5-9th March: Northern Nomad

Most of the time my job is cool. If I want to, I can just sit in my pants all day watching films and mosey around coffee shops staring at people (not in my pants). However, sometimes I have weeks where I’m predominantly in transit. Last week, for example, I spent most of my time knocking around Manchester and Sheffield before a brief return to London. It’s impossible to feel fully comfortable when you’re away from home. You can’t write properly, you can’t think properly, you can’t touch yourself properly (if you’re into that). Therefore, I have very few interesting incidents that I can remember from my trips that are worth writing down.

One thing I noticed about my time in Manchester is that the people are a lot friendlier to you than in London. Bus drivers don’t treat you like a man in a dirty mackintosh if you try to pay for a ticket with a note. If you try to give the driver cash in London they act like you’ve ruined their entire day. If I were a driver I’d probably find this the most exciting part of the day as you get to break up your routine of pressing the door buttons and driving. This is the reason I’m not a bus driver. The other bit of friendliness that occurred was when I was at a bar. I thought I was standing next to a comedian called Vince Atta, so naturally I said, “Hi mate” and shook his hand. He shook my hand back then walked off. Only ten minutes later did it dawn on me that it might not have been him. It was not him. It was just a different mixed race guy. The fact that I mistook a mixed race person for a different one means I’m only classified as half racist. I don’t know who this bloke is but I love the fact that he shook my hand without even questioning who I was and how I knew him. He must have just been a big fan of handshakes.

In Sheffield, due to me being a boring arsehole who isn’t really drinking at the moment, I have to amuse myself in my own way. Now I know this is technically after 5pm but I think it’s worth retelling so I’m breaking my own made up rules. I went to Wagamama on my own on the Friday after my gig. It was prime dinner time, therefore, the fact I was on my own on a Friday night was magnified. I might as well have been wearing a badge that said “Sad Twat” on it. I had a decent bit of conversation with the waitress as I was desperately trying to compensate for the fact I had no friends with me. The next day, I went into the same restaurant at the same time, wearing the same outfit (from my gig) and I was served by the same waitress. She came over and said “good to see you again”. I then went “again? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She looked really confused and a bit taken aback. I then proceeded to order exactly the same thing as I did the night before. (chicken katsu and chicken gyoza). As she walked off I laughed to myself. I may well have got some free turd in my curry but it was worth it for the look on her face.

Now I can look forward to a week of lying in my own bed and getting treated like a terrorist by the London bus drivers. Bliss.

27th Feb- 2nd March: Mean Women and Nice Guys

I may have mentioned this on here before but just to re-iterate: if you want to witness a bust-up in the day time, get your argument-loving ass down to the parking permit renewal shop. Normally you get some irate middle-aged man shouting at the jobsworth behind the counter. This time, however, there was a vile lady (I think) who managed to make a whole room of strangers hate her within seconds. From the moment she opened her toilet of a mouth you could feel everyone else think “please have an aneurism right now”.

She walked in with her kid, took one look at the queue and said, “Come on man. This queue is stupid. I don’t even want to be here. I’m here for my neighbour, innit. No one minds if I go to the front do they?” Everyone minded. No one said anything. This is because we all suffer from the crippling illness that is being a polite Brit. Eventually a man in his sixties at the front piped up, “I do actually mind”
“Why? You’re well old. You’ve got nothing else to do. I don’t want to be here”
The big geezer in front of me rightly said, “None of us want to be here”
I’m nodding along…in my head. On the outside I showed no sign of siding with anyone. As soon as she left the room to go and be racist to a parking warden who had the audacity to give her a ticket for being parked on a double yellow, I was the bravest man on the planet. I was saying, “who does she think she is?” Then the geezer in front of me earned a virtual high five by saying, “she’s a fucking donkey”. I’ve never heard this used as an insult but I liked it and I wanted to become friends with this man. She then returned and loudly called us all mean and grumpy on the phone to her mum. People like this make me so angry. She clearly has some bad things happening in her life but to subject us all to her deep rooted anger is selfish. I think when someone like this enters a public room you should legally be allowed to tranquilise them. Everyone should be given a blow pipe and ketamin filled dart, which then becomes as essential to any excursion as a mobile phone and keys. As soon as you get a bully ruining the vibe of a queue, then “bosh”: society will be much better for it.

On the other hand I think all shops should be legally made to hire a nice person to walk around making you feel good about yourself. I went to buy some sushi on the same day and a really friendly man standing next to me cheered me up. Firstly he made me laugh by asking where a certain road in Wimbledon was and when I had no idea, he went “It’s ok I’ll just check my Google maps.” This whole question was therefore so pointless it made me laugh and convinced me that he was an angel sent down by god to make my day. He then complimented me on my sushi selection and bantered about how the owners were Korean not Japanese. I don’t know anything about this man. All I know is his aura gave my soul a semi. He made me want to commute to the same shop at the same time just to see him.

So there you have it. If you vote for me as Prime Minister I promise you all blow darts full of ketamin and shops full of nice guys. I’m off to find my new best pal.