I went for another TV casting and was a big pile of steaming non-recyclable rubbish yet again. I hope in 10 yrs I get better at these auditions but for the time being I’m just not good. This time I had to read, the problem is when I got in the room I forgot how to read. The most irksome thing about castings is afterwards they often ask what days you’re available and so you walk out thinking you’ve definitely got it. Instead, they’re probably asking just to be polite: it’s like a girl giving you a fake number to make you think you’ve pulled them. That trick, however, doesn’t work as much any more because desperate men (me included) go “I’ll give you a missed call so you’ve got my number” but what you really mean is “I’m checking this number is not for the local kebab house”. Maybe next time they ask my availability at the end of an audition I’ll go “tell me the location and the time and I’ll turn up!” Alternatively, I could just prepare better and be less crap at reading and acting.
In case you’re wondering, it was for a dating show with Derren Brown. After not hearing anything for a few days I knew I didn’t get it. You don’t have to be Derren Brown to work that out.
Next week I have another audition for something else. Let’s see if I‘m equally as shit. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
July 19-23rd: no horny flying horse type creatures
The fact that I keep forgetting to do a blog for 3 weeks means I keep forgetting what I actually did with my weekdays. If something amazing and atypical had happened, like a unicorn pleasuring me, then I’m sure that would stick out in my mind. Unfortunately this blog is a mythical creature free zone and therefore brief. It’s between a twitter update and a blog in length: a Twog (that’s probably a racial slur in some parts of the world)
All I can remember is on one day my friend Max Dickins came over to do some writing. He is also a comedian who was a couple of years below me at school. We wrote some jokes, drunk some tea and played some Fifa. That is what constitutes a very constructive day in my life.
I also think that an “Angry Birds” update was released on the Iphone, so that would have made me happy for half an hour. Some people think having a baby or finishing a big merger is a great day; mine is completing a whole series of levels on “Angry Birds”. Each to there own.
Laterz
All I can remember is on one day my friend Max Dickins came over to do some writing. He is also a comedian who was a couple of years below me at school. We wrote some jokes, drunk some tea and played some Fifa. That is what constitutes a very constructive day in my life.
I also think that an “Angry Birds” update was released on the Iphone, so that would have made me happy for half an hour. Some people think having a baby or finishing a big merger is a great day; mine is completing a whole series of levels on “Angry Birds”. Each to there own.
Laterz
12-17th July: don’t go in my mouth when I’m hungover
This week contained some stuff that I’m sure was interesting but the only thing I can remember is my visit to the dentist.
On Monday morning, I had an appointment at Guy’s and St Thomas’s Hospital where you get a free dental check up; it is because you get checked out by a dental student, therefore there is a higher chance you’ll end up with mirror lodged in your throat. Getting a free appointment is still an amazing novelty. When you’re a kid you think going to the dentist is rubbish but at least it doesn’t cost anything, “I can let a stranger tell me how bad my oral hygiene is but it’s free, free, free, free forever”. Then when you’re 19, it’s like, “give me £30 and I’ll count your teeth and tell you to floss more”. So as soon as it starts costing money we all think, “I’ll never go to dentist unless I get hit in the mouth with a sledgehammer.”
Due to the fact it was free I went along despite feeling like a bag of human wank after drinking lots of “Desperados” during the World Cup Final. Never imbibe this beverage; it is a beer with tequila inside and therefore makes you feel dead inside. When I turned up the girl asked me if I had any specific problems with my teeth. I told her it was just a check up and she looked visibly annoyed: this is because as a student they need to treat a number of specific problems to pass their degree, so I was basically a time waster. Feeling guilty, I panicked and lied “actually my top front teeth were really painful about a month ago”. This made her happier but when she put her head near my mouth she went back to looking visibly distressed: this must have been caused by my bin like breath.
So I got a free dental check up from an irritated student due to me being a tight bastard. Turns out I have mouth aids…
On Monday morning, I had an appointment at Guy’s and St Thomas’s Hospital where you get a free dental check up; it is because you get checked out by a dental student, therefore there is a higher chance you’ll end up with mirror lodged in your throat. Getting a free appointment is still an amazing novelty. When you’re a kid you think going to the dentist is rubbish but at least it doesn’t cost anything, “I can let a stranger tell me how bad my oral hygiene is but it’s free, free, free, free forever”. Then when you’re 19, it’s like, “give me £30 and I’ll count your teeth and tell you to floss more”. So as soon as it starts costing money we all think, “I’ll never go to dentist unless I get hit in the mouth with a sledgehammer.”
Due to the fact it was free I went along despite feeling like a bag of human wank after drinking lots of “Desperados” during the World Cup Final. Never imbibe this beverage; it is a beer with tequila inside and therefore makes you feel dead inside. When I turned up the girl asked me if I had any specific problems with my teeth. I told her it was just a check up and she looked visibly annoyed: this is because as a student they need to treat a number of specific problems to pass their degree, so I was basically a time waster. Feeling guilty, I panicked and lied “actually my top front teeth were really painful about a month ago”. This made her happier but when she put her head near my mouth she went back to looking visibly distressed: this must have been caused by my bin like breath.
So I got a free dental check up from an irritated student due to me being a tight bastard. Turns out I have mouth aids…
Friday, 23 July 2010
July 5-12th
I returned home from Singapore, which meant I was legally allowed to do nothing for the whole week. Whenever you return from a trip you’re allowed to spend at least 5 days complaining about being tired and saying phrases like “my body clock’s all over the place”. Whenever I return from a holiday no matter how long I’ve been away, nothing seems to have happened. By that, I mean when I ask people what the gossip is, they always “nothing really”. Even if someone’s whole family got kidnapped and a hurricane destroyed their house, the only interesting thing they could think to say is “I got a haircut”. Speaking of this there is another law, I think between just male friends, whenever you get a haircut every mate has to say “someone’s had a haircut”: I’ve no idea why it’s just instinct or something.
As you can see I’ve not really written anything that happened this week because I’ve completely forgotten. I probably checked my email loads and went to Tesco. The reason I can’t remember is that my body clock was all over the place.
In my last post I said a monkey attacked me. In truth a tiny monkey (photo attached) jumped onto a branch of tree near me and it made my bum flap!
Saturday, 17 July 2010
28th June- 2nd July :Anyone want a bag of whores?
This week involved me flying out to do gigs in Singapore, therefore my Fifa hours were massively slashed. The time difference and flight means that I can’t promise to stick rigidly to what happened between 9am and 5pm.
In the week leading up to departure, I was like a kid at Christmas counting the amount of sleeps till I left. I love everything about leaving the country: getting a pint in the airport Weatherspoons, getting felt up by security staff and watching toilet action films on the flight. This was the first time I’d technically been paid to go on holiday and it was awesome. Little word of advice: If your flight is experiencing turbulence don’t get a glass of red wine. On a completely unrelated note, I have ruined a t-shirt and pair of shorts.
I’d never been to Singapore before but heard lots about it, mainly that you can get a girlfriend half your age, which was not that appealing as I’m 24! It looks a bit like the world “Demolition Man” is set because it’s amazingly clean and illegal to do anything inc. spit in public, litter, carry any class of drug, pinch a woman’s bum but ironically it’s fine to get involved with some whores. As a bit of a renegade, I started my visit by dropping a can of coke on a woman who I was both grouping and hacking on, whilst stoned.
It’s a place that I can see would be fun to retire to as life is very easy. You can get a maid for £200 a month and you can buy reasonably priced women. The amount ex-pats banged on about the women, me and Alexis Dubus (other comedian) had to check out the notorious Orchard Towers commonly referred to as “4 floors of whores”. It’s a shopping centre by day and slag centre by night. I don’t really know why we went, it contained loads of prostitutes and ladydudes (as advertised): we had one beer then left. Also all the men were dressed in a shirt and smart trousers. I wanted to tell them all that there is no dress code when it comes to having it off with a prosty.
Loads of other stuff happened but I don’t want to make this too long winded. The gigs were a bucket of chuckles and the people were friendly (sometimes too friendly)
Here is a brief summary:
-An Indian Pirate tried to read my fortune
-A Buddist mugged me in exchange for peace
-I stayed in a hotel with a mezzanine floor
-I ate Stingray (payback for what happened to Steve)
-I saw a man spit on his own belly rather than the floor
-I went to a beach
-I got attacked by a monkey at the zoo: my love hate relationship with them continues
In the week leading up to departure, I was like a kid at Christmas counting the amount of sleeps till I left. I love everything about leaving the country: getting a pint in the airport Weatherspoons, getting felt up by security staff and watching toilet action films on the flight. This was the first time I’d technically been paid to go on holiday and it was awesome. Little word of advice: If your flight is experiencing turbulence don’t get a glass of red wine. On a completely unrelated note, I have ruined a t-shirt and pair of shorts.
I’d never been to Singapore before but heard lots about it, mainly that you can get a girlfriend half your age, which was not that appealing as I’m 24! It looks a bit like the world “Demolition Man” is set because it’s amazingly clean and illegal to do anything inc. spit in public, litter, carry any class of drug, pinch a woman’s bum but ironically it’s fine to get involved with some whores. As a bit of a renegade, I started my visit by dropping a can of coke on a woman who I was both grouping and hacking on, whilst stoned.
It’s a place that I can see would be fun to retire to as life is very easy. You can get a maid for £200 a month and you can buy reasonably priced women. The amount ex-pats banged on about the women, me and Alexis Dubus (other comedian) had to check out the notorious Orchard Towers commonly referred to as “4 floors of whores”. It’s a shopping centre by day and slag centre by night. I don’t really know why we went, it contained loads of prostitutes and ladydudes (as advertised): we had one beer then left. Also all the men were dressed in a shirt and smart trousers. I wanted to tell them all that there is no dress code when it comes to having it off with a prosty.
Loads of other stuff happened but I don’t want to make this too long winded. The gigs were a bucket of chuckles and the people were friendly (sometimes too friendly)
Here is a brief summary:
-An Indian Pirate tried to read my fortune
-A Buddist mugged me in exchange for peace
-I stayed in a hotel with a mezzanine floor
-I ate Stingray (payback for what happened to Steve)
-I saw a man spit on his own belly rather than the floor
-I went to a beach
-I got attacked by a monkey at the zoo: my love hate relationship with them continues
Tuesday, 29 June 2010
21-25th June: More football
This week was also spent just watching football. The games got better and England got worse. I'm actually too depressed to even write what went wrong with England.
The only small highlight of my week was getting drunk all Wednesday in "The Mason Arms" beer garden when England managed to smash the footballing powerhouse that was Slovenia. It's a brilliant thing that when England play football, the whole country decides to stop work, whilst I continue to still do no work. Nick, Benny and I all got drunk, which I think is fair enough but some people need to have a long hard look at themselves. Regardless of whether England are playing, no one should be snorting cocaine at 3:45pm on a Wednesday like several people in the toilet of the pub. Also for the whole match someone was openly smoking weed: the pub is a bit like an drinking hole you'd find in a Mad Max movie. The funniest thing about this lost society was that for the whole second half of the football it was actually more entertaining to watch the guys who'd hoovered up the naughty salt than the football. One bloke literally would have smiled if Slovenia had scored 12 goals in the second 45 minutes.
"Watching a man chew his face off is more exciting than watching England play football": someone show this quotation to the FA please.
The only small highlight of my week was getting drunk all Wednesday in "The Mason Arms" beer garden when England managed to smash the footballing powerhouse that was Slovenia. It's a brilliant thing that when England play football, the whole country decides to stop work, whilst I continue to still do no work. Nick, Benny and I all got drunk, which I think is fair enough but some people need to have a long hard look at themselves. Regardless of whether England are playing, no one should be snorting cocaine at 3:45pm on a Wednesday like several people in the toilet of the pub. Also for the whole match someone was openly smoking weed: the pub is a bit like an drinking hole you'd find in a Mad Max movie. The funniest thing about this lost society was that for the whole second half of the football it was actually more entertaining to watch the guys who'd hoovered up the naughty salt than the football. One bloke literally would have smiled if Slovenia had scored 12 goals in the second 45 minutes.
"Watching a man chew his face off is more exciting than watching England play football": someone show this quotation to the FA please.
14-18th June: World Cup woes
This week all I did was watch 3 games of football a day as I'd caught world cup fever. Despite most of the 1st round games being utterly pony, watching football everyday seemed like a full time job for me. I've now watched so much that I have my favourite and least favourite pundits. Most of them are total wank: Mark Bright, Andy Townsend, Jim Beglin and Mick McCarthey to name a few. In case you're wondering I'm a big fan of Gareth Southgate and Lee Dixon. I've basically just played "Kill, marry, shag" with all these geezers.
There is not much else to say because this is all I've spent my time doing.
Also England are crap at kicking footballs.
There is not much else to say because this is all I've spent my time doing.
Also England are crap at kicking footballs.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
