July 11-15th: What time is your appointment with the Chinese Doctor?...1pm

This was a mixed week at best. It involved a friend’s birthday, a friend’s dad’s funeral and watching transformers 3: the latter of those events being the most tragic. I will not dwell on the sadness. All I will say is that you must watch that movie drunk and classical music at a funeral will always make you cry. Therefore, when my time comes I want to be carried down the aisle to “Wild Wild West” whilst everyone wears a Hawaiian shirt.

I visited a Chinese doctor for the first time and am in limbo as to whether it’s a complete con or a massive con. I decided to go due to perennially sunburnt nose and feeling a bit crap and there is a Chinese doctor’s near to my flat. An old Chinese woman got me to stick my tongue out and basically made me think I had aids. She was convinced that I must have been for 5 dumps a day and that my insides were melting. I ended up believing that I was indeed full of toxic waste because she was an old and Chinese. If she was old and white, I would have dismissed her theories as mental.

The result of this visit was that she said she’d give me a de-tox, which involved taking various tablets. Including some, where I take 15 in the morning and evening. The Chinese medical school seem to really emphasise the quantity not quality philosophy. I’m no pharmaceutical expert but surely someone put their hand up at a meeting and said, “why don’t we make the tablets bigger?” I can only presume this was met with cries of “stick your tongue out!” and “how many times have you done a big toilet today?”: “don’t listen to him he’s been toxified”

A week and a half I don’t feel noticeable different apart from slightly poorer and ironically have been visiting the toilet more than ever. Sayonara! (is that Chinese?)