The blog is back: bigger, blacker and badder than ever. As always it’s been on holiday due to me being busy (watching a lot of “Breaking Bad”).
I’d been in the market for a new hairdresser ever since my one moved to Australia. I know she’s gone there to enjoy weather and build a new life but all in all it’s pretty selfish because it meant I was going to have to find someone as good as her for the same money. Baring in mind she only charged me half price as she was my friend James’s sister, this was a pretty tricky task. The first one I got was about 6 weeks ago at a local salon; not only did it cost £25 (£7 more) but it took 90 minutes. Now although I would rather someone take their time and ensure they did a good job, my hair should not take the duration of a football match to cut. You may be thinking this is a good thing as it significantly eats into my vacuous daytime but it was far too long a stint for me to maintain benal chit-chat. Once you start asking how old they were when they decided to become a hairdresser, it’s pretty much time to run out the salon without paying. She also did it too short, I’d say 90% of men would agree that their hair is always too short for the first 2 weeks. If any hairdressers read this, word of advice: longer is better (insert really obvious, terrible penis based joke here in your potty minds).
The one I got this week was top notch. Turns out if you ring Headmasters (wanky salon) on the day, you can get a hair cut by one of their most experienced hairdressers for only £18. You know it’s a classy joint because rather than calling their hairdressers, “hairdressers” they have ridiculously grand titles like, “hair technician”, “colour craftsman”, “weave magician”. I also got a head massage with some sort of mint shampoo. Now if you’ve ever put mint shower gel on your body, you will know it’s like giving your pores an orgasm; add a head massage into the equation and you will spend the next 30 minutes trying to find your mind…which you just lost. I also got a free pot of tea. I’m pretty sure mint shower products, a massage and a lovely cup of breakfast tea could bring peace to the Middle East and solve any financial crisis in Europe in an instant.
So there you go, after a few months off, my blog has returned and now is less about comedy and more about getting a hair cut. Unfortunately, that was the most exciting thing I did between 9-5 and this blog is a slave to my daytime activities. Hopefully next week I’ll have some top recommendations for nail salons. I hope you all had a good Halloween weekend, where you either got in a fight or had to do a walk of shame dressed as Mr T.
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
August 8th-Sept 2nd
My Dad has started harassing me about not updating my blog. Getting told off as an adult about something you do for no particular reason apart from enjoyment has to be a world's first.
So to appease John Martin:
EDINBURGH WAS FUN
So to appease John Martin:
EDINBURGH WAS FUN
Friday, 12 August 2011
August 1-5th: Edinburgh begins
Rather than bore you about Edinburgh festival things I will tell you about our 9am journey up to Scotland in the 1st class carriage.
Me, Benny Boot, Carl Donnelly embarked on our Edinburgh adventure by scaring away a man on our table. Within 30 seconds of the train departing we made him get up and move to a new seat by loudly swearing and taking photographs of ourselves. If you sit 3 excited men on a table in any environment I would say it’s actually impossible for a 4th person to hold his ground. Luckily comedian Steve Hall was in the carriage so we subbed him in.
We talked a lot of gubbins, cashed in on free water, sandwiches and got competitive about tea. Essentially every time they offered tea, Steve accepted it and even though me and Carl were nearly sick of it we for some reason went drink for drink with him. This is much less rock n roll than it sounds. Rather than smash the carriage up it just meant my number of pisses was in double figures by the time we arrived.
Tune in to the next blog to see how I have been passing my time in the festival day times.
Me, Benny Boot, Carl Donnelly embarked on our Edinburgh adventure by scaring away a man on our table. Within 30 seconds of the train departing we made him get up and move to a new seat by loudly swearing and taking photographs of ourselves. If you sit 3 excited men on a table in any environment I would say it’s actually impossible for a 4th person to hold his ground. Luckily comedian Steve Hall was in the carriage so we subbed him in.
We talked a lot of gubbins, cashed in on free water, sandwiches and got competitive about tea. Essentially every time they offered tea, Steve accepted it and even though me and Carl were nearly sick of it we for some reason went drink for drink with him. This is much less rock n roll than it sounds. Rather than smash the carriage up it just meant my number of pisses was in double figures by the time we arrived.
Tune in to the next blog to see how I have been passing my time in the festival day times.
July 25-29th: It’s a tough life
This week was spent doing a lot of TV warm up. I will not bore you with that, just know that I got to meet a wide range of people including Amir Kahn, Imogen Thomas, some geezer who used to be in Grange Hill and loads of comedians who I already know.
The best thing about the whole week was that me and Paul McCaffrey both had a gig down in Eastbourne and decided to play a round of golf on the way down. It was only £6 pp, which was ridiculously cheap. I was worried there would be some people cottaging on the greens but it was perfectly acceptable especially for two people are what I would delicately describe as “toilet”.
It turns out though once you’ve had loads of fun playing golf with a mate, going to tell jokes to people just isn’t as fun. Lesson learned. Try not to play a round of golf before going to work: that is the most middle class & middle aged sentence you’re likely to see in blog form.
The best thing about the whole week was that me and Paul McCaffrey both had a gig down in Eastbourne and decided to play a round of golf on the way down. It was only £6 pp, which was ridiculously cheap. I was worried there would be some people cottaging on the greens but it was perfectly acceptable especially for two people are what I would delicately describe as “toilet”.
It turns out though once you’ve had loads of fun playing golf with a mate, going to tell jokes to people just isn’t as fun. Lesson learned. Try not to play a round of golf before going to work: that is the most middle class & middle aged sentence you’re likely to see in blog form.
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
July 18-22nd: Hit the road, Chris
I go through phases of working in and around London so often forget the annoyance of ravelling to far flung corners of the country. I unfortunately had to go to such romantic hotspots as Northampton, Cheltenham and Northallerton. The only one that I visited between 9 and 5 was Cheltenham.
Cheltenham is a place I’ve been to a handful of times and really like. It’s got a posh veneer, which means the buildings and people are nice to look at but has a suitably scummy centre bubbling under the surface. This means not only are the gigs generally quite fun but it’s a pleasant place to parade around in the day time, with a large catchment of mentals to stare at. I stayed with my friends Hillsy who was part of the trip I did a while ago where I played cricket on Mount Everest. It was exciting because I got to catch up with someone I rarely see. He also has an awesome girlfriend, who made me feel very welcome. I felt so comfortable in fact, that I showed her about the Mitchell and Webb sketch about “wanking from home when you’re working from home”: she found it funny till it suddenly dawned on her that whilst they were at work on the Thursday there was a strong possibility I was touching myself on their furniture.
I slightly abused their good nature because on the day I left I had at least 2 hours to do the washing up as a way of saying thank you. Instead I spent the time writing the word “thanks” on their sitting room floor. There is something either genius or mental about how to show my appreciation for their hospitality I created more of a mess than cleaning up any previous mess. I have attached the photo.
It was an enjoyable week and illustrates that you should never leave me alone in your house or I will make some sort of mess….
Sunday, 24 July 2011
July 11-15th: What time is your appointment with the Chinese Doctor?...1pm
This was a mixed week at best. It involved a friend’s birthday, a friend’s dad’s funeral and watching transformers 3: the latter of those events being the most tragic. I will not dwell on the sadness. All I will say is that you must watch that movie drunk and classical music at a funeral will always make you cry. Therefore, when my time comes I want to be carried down the aisle to “Wild Wild West” whilst everyone wears a Hawaiian shirt.
I visited a Chinese doctor for the first time and am in limbo as to whether it’s a complete con or a massive con. I decided to go due to perennially sunburnt nose and feeling a bit crap and there is a Chinese doctor’s near to my flat. An old Chinese woman got me to stick my tongue out and basically made me think I had aids. She was convinced that I must have been for 5 dumps a day and that my insides were melting. I ended up believing that I was indeed full of toxic waste because she was an old and Chinese. If she was old and white, I would have dismissed her theories as mental.
The result of this visit was that she said she’d give me a de-tox, which involved taking various tablets. Including some, where I take 15 in the morning and evening. The Chinese medical school seem to really emphasise the quantity not quality philosophy. I’m no pharmaceutical expert but surely someone put their hand up at a meeting and said, “why don’t we make the tablets bigger?” I can only presume this was met with cries of “stick your tongue out!” and “how many times have you done a big toilet today?”: “don’t listen to him he’s been toxified”
A week and a half I don’t feel noticeable different apart from slightly poorer and ironically have been visiting the toilet more than ever. Sayonara! (is that Chinese?)
I visited a Chinese doctor for the first time and am in limbo as to whether it’s a complete con or a massive con. I decided to go due to perennially sunburnt nose and feeling a bit crap and there is a Chinese doctor’s near to my flat. An old Chinese woman got me to stick my tongue out and basically made me think I had aids. She was convinced that I must have been for 5 dumps a day and that my insides were melting. I ended up believing that I was indeed full of toxic waste because she was an old and Chinese. If she was old and white, I would have dismissed her theories as mental.
The result of this visit was that she said she’d give me a de-tox, which involved taking various tablets. Including some, where I take 15 in the morning and evening. The Chinese medical school seem to really emphasise the quantity not quality philosophy. I’m no pharmaceutical expert but surely someone put their hand up at a meeting and said, “why don’t we make the tablets bigger?” I can only presume this was met with cries of “stick your tongue out!” and “how many times have you done a big toilet today?”: “don’t listen to him he’s been toxified”
A week and a half I don’t feel noticeable different apart from slightly poorer and ironically have been visiting the toilet more than ever. Sayonara! (is that Chinese?)
Friday, 8 July 2011
Edinburgh is coming up
Alright? I haven't done one of these for ages. Lots of me not being bothered has got in the way/trying to write an hour of funnies for Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I will not bore you with details; you can look on my website for them and get bored in your own time.
I will try to do one of these a week in the run up to August and then do them throughout the festival. I now need to sum up what I've been up to in the last 2 months. A lot of cool stuff has happened but the only thing that I can actually remember (because it happened 3 days ago) is that I went on a jet ski. This was not in London. It was whilst I was telling jokes in Cyprus. I've never been on one but decided that there is no way life can be boring if you go on a jet ski for 20 min every day. If your whole family get killed, my advice: rent a jet ski. That's it really for now. I got mine up to 84km/h I'm pretty sure that makes me James Bond. Can any of you pussies beat that? I doubt it.
So I hope you all heed this knowledge and rent a jet ski. I hope that this does not have to be done due to a horrific family accident. Probably don't rent one if your family are killed on one.
Toodles
I will try to do one of these a week in the run up to August and then do them throughout the festival. I now need to sum up what I've been up to in the last 2 months. A lot of cool stuff has happened but the only thing that I can actually remember (because it happened 3 days ago) is that I went on a jet ski. This was not in London. It was whilst I was telling jokes in Cyprus. I've never been on one but decided that there is no way life can be boring if you go on a jet ski for 20 min every day. If your whole family get killed, my advice: rent a jet ski. That's it really for now. I got mine up to 84km/h I'm pretty sure that makes me James Bond. Can any of you pussies beat that? I doubt it.
So I hope you all heed this knowledge and rent a jet ski. I hope that this does not have to be done due to a horrific family accident. Probably don't rent one if your family are killed on one.
Toodles
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