24th Jan- 18th Feb: Better Late than never

Right I’m going to attempt to summarise the last month in one blog. The reason for my lack of writing is I’ve had ME….well not really but that would have been a pretty good excuse. In truth I’ve moved flats and spent most of my time on the phone to Sky trying to get broadband installed…I’d rather have ME.

I’ve actually spent a lot of time with human beings in the last month, which is great news although every waking minute alone is spent talking to Sky or getting our new landlord to make our house smell less of faeces. I don’t know if anyone else has had to deal with a landlord before but every time I send an email with a new gripe I’m certain he puts it into a folder marked “stuff I couldn’t give a toss about”. The funniest feature of the new abode is BJ’s room still smells of cigarettes a month after moving in as the previous resident evidently smoked like a 1950’s American private investigator. I say it still stinks but BJ is the only one who can still smell it: I’m convinced he drunkenly got a cigarette lodged in his nostril. The guy has become so obsessed that he’s been googling and reading up on ways of removing the scent. His latest brain wave is that leaving bowls of vinegar in his room helps remove the smell. To be fair as I already mentioned it doesn’t smell of smoke anymore, instead it wreaks of vinegar. Drunk people have started knocking on his door at 2am trying to buy chips. Surely the point of removing a smell is also to make the room smell nice not just replace it with an equally pungent odour. Do you know what else removes the smell of smoke and vinegar? Human piss. If someone could put this advice high enough on google then I’m sure we can get a lot of morons to make their room urine scented.

This gaff also has a sitting room on the ground floor and a kitchen 2 floors above. It’s amazing how little you can be bothered to cook when there are two flights of stairs to ascend. To be honest it’s amazing how you can’t even be bothered to eat food. If anyone wants to lose weight I suggest renting an upside down house. I can’t understand what kind of a chump would design a house that way. Was it some fitness fanatic who thought, “before I eat food I need to burn off the calories so why don’t I set up an assault course between the kitchen and dining room”? Plum.

I also live extremely close to a Bikram yoga studio and a spy shop. That means I can get really sweaty then follow someone with surveillance equipment, to really enhance the creepiness of a good old fashioned stalking. Don’t really know why I’d want to do that? I guess it’s better than abseiling from my kitchen on my own.

Right, I’ve not really told you about anything that’s happened in my life. I’ve just given a detailed description of my new home. This blog has essentially been a much crapper version of “Through the Keyhole”. I miss Lloyd Grossman.