July 18-22nd: Hit the road, Chris

I go through phases of working in and around London so often forget the annoyance of ravelling to far flung corners of the country. I unfortunately had to go to such romantic hotspots as Northampton, Cheltenham and Northallerton. The only one that I visited between 9 and 5 was Cheltenham.

Cheltenham is a place I’ve been to a handful of times and really like. It’s got a posh veneer, which means the buildings and people are nice to look at but has a suitably scummy centre bubbling under the surface. This means not only are the gigs generally quite fun but it’s a pleasant place to parade around in the day time, with a large catchment of mentals to stare at. I stayed with my friends Hillsy who was part of the trip I did a while ago where I played cricket on Mount Everest. It was exciting because I got to catch up with someone I rarely see. He also has an awesome girlfriend, who made me feel very welcome. I felt so comfortable in fact, that I showed her about the Mitchell and Webb sketch about “wanking from home when you’re working from home”: she found it funny till it suddenly dawned on her that whilst they were at work on the Thursday there was a strong possibility I was touching myself on their furniture.

I slightly abused their good nature because on the day I left I had at least 2 hours to do the washing up as a way of saying thank you. Instead I spent the time writing the word “thanks” on their sitting room floor. There is something either genius or mental about how to show my appreciation for their hospitality I created more of a mess than cleaning up any previous mess. I have attached the photo.

It was an enjoyable week and illustrates that you should never leave me alone in your house or I will make some sort of mess….

July 11-15th: What time is your appointment with the Chinese Doctor?...1pm

This was a mixed week at best. It involved a friend’s birthday, a friend’s dad’s funeral and watching transformers 3: the latter of those events being the most tragic. I will not dwell on the sadness. All I will say is that you must watch that movie drunk and classical music at a funeral will always make you cry. Therefore, when my time comes I want to be carried down the aisle to “Wild Wild West” whilst everyone wears a Hawaiian shirt.

I visited a Chinese doctor for the first time and am in limbo as to whether it’s a complete con or a massive con. I decided to go due to perennially sunburnt nose and feeling a bit crap and there is a Chinese doctor’s near to my flat. An old Chinese woman got me to stick my tongue out and basically made me think I had aids. She was convinced that I must have been for 5 dumps a day and that my insides were melting. I ended up believing that I was indeed full of toxic waste because she was an old and Chinese. If she was old and white, I would have dismissed her theories as mental.

The result of this visit was that she said she’d give me a de-tox, which involved taking various tablets. Including some, where I take 15 in the morning and evening. The Chinese medical school seem to really emphasise the quantity not quality philosophy. I’m no pharmaceutical expert but surely someone put their hand up at a meeting and said, “why don’t we make the tablets bigger?” I can only presume this was met with cries of “stick your tongue out!” and “how many times have you done a big toilet today?”: “don’t listen to him he’s been toxified”

A week and a half I don’t feel noticeable different apart from slightly poorer and ironically have been visiting the toilet more than ever. Sayonara! (is that Chinese?)

Edinburgh is coming up

Alright? I haven't done one of these for ages. Lots of me not being bothered has got in the way/trying to write an hour of funnies for Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I will not bore you with details; you can look on my website for them and get bored in your own time.

I will try to do one of these a week in the run up to August and then do them throughout the festival. I now need to sum up what I've been up to in the last 2 months. A lot of cool stuff has happened but the only thing that I can actually remember (because it happened 3 days ago) is that I went on a jet ski. This was not in London. It was whilst I was telling jokes in Cyprus. I've never been on one but decided that there is no way life can be boring if you go on a jet ski for 20 min every day. If your whole family get killed, my advice: rent a jet ski. That's it really for now. I got mine up to 84km/h I'm pretty sure that makes me James Bond. Can any of you pussies beat that? I doubt it.

So I hope you all heed this knowledge and rent a jet ski. I hope that this does not have to be done due to a horrific family accident. Probably don't rent one if your family are killed on one.

Toodles