9-13th August: Edinburgh baby!

This was a week of pure drunken silliness, most of the days were spent sleeping and recovering as every session went on till at least 5am. I will finish this off by posting a list of funny quotes from comedians I noted down over the week.

Firstly, I will just describe my favourite train journey ever. Me and Matt Forde (or Talk Sport’s Matt Forde) arranged to get the 11am train up together. We luckily managed to get a couple of seats next to each other on a train that was more packed than a pair of Speedos on a donkey. That simile was unnecessary but amusing. We were so excited to be getting up to the festival that we just fully got on the sauce. Living and drinking in London has made me conclude that train beers are not really that expensive. They cost less than £3, which is sadly an absolute steal nowadays. We listened to lots of cheesy music and sung it out loud including Black Eyed Peas, “I’ve got a feeling”. This song is an absolute corker, it can’t fail to make you happy and it has made my funeral play list. The other highlight of the journey was a batty old posh woman who shouted, “Fuck! Bloody British Rail” when she got on board. No one had the heart to tell her British rail no longer exists.

The quotations of the trip, which will mean nothing to most people:

-“That is one massive dad”- Pete Johansson after looking at snap of my dad

-“unnamed comedian…complete nutter that is a legend” (to the tune of Empire state of mind) invented/sung by Carl Donnelly

-“How has Mark Talbort not be stabbed to death yet?” Carl Donnelly about our mental mate

-“Milkers”

-“shit-catchers” for pants

-“I can excuse you for the whole night” Carl Donnelly reffering to someone who asked to be excused for a moment.

-“Fucking Bigger Laugh” Tom Stade

-“I’m going to knock his hair off” Mark Talbort

-“Just in case beers” Mick Ferry

-“Boobsday” (instead of Tuesday) me

2-6th August: No reading makes everything a bit easier

This week I got to record something that I didn’t need to audition for therefore couldn’t mess up. I got to do a talking head for “top 50 moments of the world cup”. It basically meant I got to talk a lot of nonsense about moments I only really got to watch a few hours before filming. For a Wednesday afternoon, you can’t do much better than getting paid to talk gubbins about football. Whether anything I said is going to look funny on TV is another matter. Before I started doing stand- up one of my ambitions was to be one of those talking heads on television that no one recognises. Now I’ve achieved that I would maybe like to do something where people know who I am for doing something good. At the moment I’ll settle for glorified anonymity.

I also had to go to advert audition. Thank Christ’s cobblers I didn’t have to read anything like with the Derren Brown debacle. I had to improvise with a female comedian called Vikki Stone. Castings are much more uncomfortable than stand up. It was the two of us surrounded by 8 advertising/filming executives being told to do various accents in multiple scenarios. I felt like a piece of meat; not a good piece like a steak, I felt like offal. I pulled out a Geordie accent, which is all that I really learnt from 3 years of university in Newcastle.

Turns out I actually got a part on this advert. I will not name it; this is not for legal reasons but because I don’t want people to see me looking like a bellend on the box. You get a prize if you spot me.

July 26th-30th : I can’t read in public

I went for another TV casting and was a big pile of steaming non-recyclable rubbish yet again. I hope in 10 yrs I get better at these auditions but for the time being I’m just not good. This time I had to read, the problem is when I got in the room I forgot how to read. The most irksome thing about castings is afterwards they often ask what days you’re available and so you walk out thinking you’ve definitely got it. Instead, they’re probably asking just to be polite: it’s like a girl giving you a fake number to make you think you’ve pulled them. That trick, however, doesn’t work as much any more because desperate men (me included) go “I’ll give you a missed call so you’ve got my number” but what you really mean is “I’m checking this number is not for the local kebab house”. Maybe next time they ask my availability at the end of an audition I’ll go “tell me the location and the time and I’ll turn up!” Alternatively, I could just prepare better and be less crap at reading and acting.

In case you’re wondering, it was for a dating show with Derren Brown. After not hearing anything for a few days I knew I didn’t get it. You don’t have to be Derren Brown to work that out.

Next week I have another audition for something else. Let’s see if I‘m equally as shit. Fingers crossed.

July 19-23rd: no horny flying horse type creatures

The fact that I keep forgetting to do a blog for 3 weeks means I keep forgetting what I actually did with my weekdays. If something amazing and atypical had happened, like a unicorn pleasuring me, then I’m sure that would stick out in my mind. Unfortunately this blog is a mythical creature free zone and therefore brief. It’s between a twitter update and a blog in length: a Twog (that’s probably a racial slur in some parts of the world)

All I can remember is on one day my friend Max Dickins came over to do some writing. He is also a comedian who was a couple of years below me at school. We wrote some jokes, drunk some tea and played some Fifa. That is what constitutes a very constructive day in my life.

I also think that an “Angry Birds” update was released on the Iphone, so that would have made me happy for half an hour. Some people think having a baby or finishing a big merger is a great day; mine is completing a whole series of levels on “Angry Birds”. Each to there own.

Laterz

12-17th July: don’t go in my mouth when I’m hungover

This week contained some stuff that I’m sure was interesting but the only thing I can remember is my visit to the dentist.

On Monday morning, I had an appointment at Guy’s and St Thomas’s Hospital where you get a free dental check up; it is because you get checked out by a dental student, therefore there is a higher chance you’ll end up with mirror lodged in your throat. Getting a free appointment is still an amazing novelty. When you’re a kid you think going to the dentist is rubbish but at least it doesn’t cost anything, “I can let a stranger tell me how bad my oral hygiene is but it’s free, free, free, free forever”. Then when you’re 19, it’s like, “give me £30 and I’ll count your teeth and tell you to floss more”. So as soon as it starts costing money we all think, “I’ll never go to dentist unless I get hit in the mouth with a sledgehammer.”

Due to the fact it was free I went along despite feeling like a bag of human wank after drinking lots of “Desperados” during the World Cup Final. Never imbibe this beverage; it is a beer with tequila inside and therefore makes you feel dead inside. When I turned up the girl asked me if I had any specific problems with my teeth. I told her it was just a check up and she looked visibly annoyed: this is because as a student they need to treat a number of specific problems to pass their degree, so I was basically a time waster. Feeling guilty, I panicked and lied “actually my top front teeth were really painful about a month ago”. This made her happier but when she put her head near my mouth she went back to looking visibly distressed: this must have been caused by my bin like breath.

So I got a free dental check up from an irritated student due to me being a tight bastard. Turns out I have mouth aids…