Friday 19th Feb 2010

Today was a great day due to the fact I got to interact with some human beings. I woke up and watched a couple of episodes of Frasier on Comedy Central. This programme always makes me happy. I watch it everyday and think I should write a sitcom as good as this but I don’t. I end up being a ‘viewer instead of a doer’. I’m pretty confident I just made up this saying: I was thinking of patenting it but can’t be bothered, the irony of this is not lost on me.
I was ready to leave the house but hadn’t brushed my teeth. I lent my one and only toothbrush to a friend the night before and for some reason, which was effectively my way of retiring it. I was on my way to get my photos taken in Tooting. I decided to chuck in a little bonus activity en route, so stopped into Portobello Market to buy clothes. Word of advice: If you’re a man and want to buy threads don’t go to Portobello. There is loads of stuff for ladies but pretty much a t-shirt and one shoe for men. Also all the people who own the stalls are dressed like wacky vintage bellends. Everyone seemed to be wearing a hat and big boots: it was especially irksome to see a male stall holder wearing more men’s garments than the rest of the market had on sale. So after this fruitless waste of time, I got my skinny white ass down to Tooting.
I should explain why I was in Tooting. A girl called Tania Ghosh (quality name I know!) saw me at a gig the week before and wanted to take some photos of me for a photography project. I’d never met her before, I was just responding to an email she sent me. It turns out she was a perfectly nice person, however, I completely agreed to meet her above a pub in Tooting without knowing anything about her. I could quite easily have walked into an ambush set up by my nemesis. I don’t actually have a nemesis that I know of but still this illustrates how desperate I am for company. I agreed to go to the other end of London to let a complete stranger photograph me for no money. Not just the other side of London but Tooting. It really is one of the biggest cum holes in London. They still have a Woolworths exterior to one of the shops there. You know an area is pikey when they leave a shrine to a shop that was famous for selling cheap pointless crap.

The photo session went swimmingly. Tania seemed lovely and I avoided making too many obvious gags about her name e.g. ’oh Ghosh’ and….well that’s about it. I’m still not entirely sure what the snaps are going to be used for. If you see me as the new face of Chlamydia in the next few months then I’ve made a rookie error.
I only had an hour and half left to kill till 5 and luckily I was near Clapham South where my good pal Charlie Meek lives. He is probably the funniest person I know yet can also be the grumpiest geezer ever to walk the earth. I arrived at his with a new toothbrush, purchased from a dodgy Tooting corner shop (It’s probably less hygienic than my previous shared one). Charlie is assistant manager of Vodka revolution (that chain of bars that has ‘revolutionised’ vodka/sells different coloured vodka to drunk slappers) and was luckily off work as he’s on crutches with a mystery disease. By luckily, I mean good for me as I got to hang out with him. I don’t think he believes being temporarily disabled is lucky, in fact he was pretty pissed off. Although, he was much less grumpy than I was expecting. We passed the time by playing a very childish game of text roulette. You very simply construct a stupid text on the other persons phone, you chose a letter they chose and number and you go that many places down in the address book and sent the text. The messages contained nothing sexual, they were much sillier, I think one of them was ‘Just so you know if I was going to be any black person, I’d be Hugo Rodallega, just keeping you informed’.
So there you have it, whilst most people are getting emails off before the end of the week to important clients I’m essentially prank calling people. Pretty mature.