April 5-9th

I went to The Diner on bank holiday Monday: what a surprise. On the way into the restaurant a woman said, “did I see you doing comedy in Hastings last week?” I said, “yes I was gigging there” and she replied, “thought I recognised you”. She, however, did not state whether she thought I was funny or not. I can only guess she thought I was not amusing. It was quite pointless stopping me really. I saw a bloke the week before who works in Foxtons but I didn’t stop him to point this out. What I’m saying is, only stop me if you’re going to pay me a compliment.

Me and BJ went down to The Coronet in Notting Hill to watch The Hurt Locker. It was one of those films that won loads of Oscars so I was worried it was going to be shit. There will be Blood is a prime example of a wank movie that won loads of awards. The cinema is a decrepit but kitsch venue, which I recommend everyone goes to. It was only £4.50 for a ticket although I got a £60 parking fine, so it ended up being an expensive visit. I rarely get angry but I definitely wanted to punch a bin when I discovered the ticket. I parked on a single yellow on a bank holiday, which I assumed was allowed, apparently not in Chelsea and Kensington. My anger was exacerbated when I sat in the car and I expected BJ to offer to pay half as he’d persuaded me to drive and told me it was fine to park on a single yellow. He didn’t offer so I went, “you’ll give me money right?” and he went “I’ve always paid parking fines myself with other people in the car”. I then didn’t talk to him till we got home: mature. He then reassessed his stance and offered to pay 1/3rd of the fare. It was a funny argument in retrospect because personal parking fine politics are not exactly something you are aware of until it happens. It doesn’t exactly pop up in conversation down the pub along with what football team you support. We have now kissed and made up: gay.

The rest of the week was spent writing and in my own company. I wished there was one bank holiday a week for the rest of the year so I could hang out with more people. If one of the political parties put that in their manifesto they would win the election. Admittedly we’d go into a recession but what’s new there? The two women I spent most of my week with were Charlotte Jackson (the Sky Sports News presenter who I love) and my Polish cleaner (still don’t know her name). I also watched Kick Ass on my own. It’s awesome. I watched it in a cinema with only six other people so felt guilty every time I laughed out loud. I wanted to get up and turn around to everyone and say “you should all be laughing right now: stop making me feel like the nutter in this viewing situation”; getting up and saying that would ironically have made me look like a nutter.