9-13th January: Trending Twat

Not drinking definitely has it’s advantages: Not feeling terrible for an entire day, not entertaining the company of people who are in fact tedious arseholes, not passing out in front of Babestation in an upright position. There is however one serious downside: you become very boring (especially when the only thing you tell people is that you are not drinking). This should mean that I’m living each day to the max and being ultra constructive but all it really means is I have even more of the day to try and kill without the excuse of feeling groggy.

This week I lived in the gym. Not because I want to become massive but because there is only so much staring at the wall/internet/phone you can do before wanting to place your head on a laptop keyboard and continually slam the screen down. I’ve essentially become a bored housewife. I go to the gym, do hardly any work, sit in the cafe & then let the most muscly instructor try and do me in the sauna. I know I’m in there for all the wrong reasons as I spend twenty minutes on the running machine trying to get the audio channel for the TV playing, “Catwoman” to work. If I’d got it to work, I’m pretty sure I would have run for the entire duration of that appalling motion picture. Some people get motivated by fast trance music or the desire to look aesthetically pleasing whilst I’m buoyed on by a dodgy story line and and woman in a PVC catsuit.

The one completely pointless thing that occurred from a combination of boredom and my love of films was my top twitter trend. Watching “Payback” bored on Wednesday night I tweeted, “movie thing to do before I die: pretend to bump into someone by accident so I can steal wallet from breast pocket”. This then spiraled into a hashtag (which I normally thing are total horse shit) #moviethingstodobeforeIdie set up by one of my followers, @chrisnumber9. I then got obsessed with trying to write silly and subtle observations from movies. I went to bed at 2am with my brain filled with scenes from movies and when I woke up it was the worldwide top twitter trend. Now although I started this after 5pm on a Wednesday it ended up taking over my whole Thursday, therefore I think it’s worth mentioning in this word soup. It turns out I’d created a monster and the more popular and mainstream it became the further away it drifted from my vision. It seems a lot of people had started to put really obvious movie cliches or in some cases just describe a scene from a specific movie. I guess that is the nature of the beast and ultimately who actually gives a donkey’s dick about starting a twitter trend (I would like this achievement to be written on my gravestone). It was a ll a bit of fun that sort of ruined my life for a day so now I will share with you some of my favourite tweets. Enjoy:

@carldonnelly: Punch a Locker

@carldonnelly: have a barman shout “phone call for you” across a busy bar

@dannymccomic: Emerge from a sewer via manhole cover only to be nearly run over by a bus

@dannymccomic: Get punched in the face, touch my lip, look at my hand, spit, then smile

@georgiedonnelly: meet someone in an empty football stadium...a row apart

@DrsevenG: buy a large paper bag of groceries with green leafy veg peaking out of the top

@truphtooph: Run over a traffic cone while learning to drive

@Bennyboot: Walk out of my house early morning, say hi to Bob; pick up newspaper, get wet by a sprinkler suddenly turned on

@joeWHSG: Drive a limousine with an electric shutter to reveal my identity/view a hottie in the back

@chinafoot: carry a watermelon

@johnfromsoho: Have a barbecue with work colleagues by my pool

@danielclancy: Arrange a date with someone for “tonight” but don’t clarify when or where to meet



There were loads more great ones but those were a select sample of goods ones. If you have 40000 hours to kill look at my timeline @chrismcomedy for some of the dumb ones I concocted. Next week I want to blow up the internet.