June 1-5th: A week full of stingy wizards

This week was bookended by my mum’s birthday and helping my dad sell some old paper (this will be explained later).

On the day of her birthday I still hadn’t purchased a present for my mum so something last minute and potentially crap was on the cards. Being a mother must be rubbish for presents because despite how far the women’s movement has come in the last 100 years everyone child always thinks, “what kitchen gadget shall I buy her?” In the past I’ve bought her a bread maker, oven gloves and a blender; she really is lucky. This year I didn’t think I should buy her a kitchen item partly because it shows a lack of imagination and partly because she owned all the kitchen utilities in the world. So instead I bought her bathroom products. Bath soaps are the substitute option for a mum’s present closely followed by a scented candle. I also bought her some expensive cup cakes, they were actually lovely; I know this because I ate one, which shows they were very much a present for me as well. If I ever become a middle aged mum I will have a birthday present list but only contain stuff that I do not wish to be bought. The list will look like this, “nothing for the kitchen, nothing for the bathroom and no scented candles”.

On Friday, I helped my dad sell old books and paper at a book fair in Hammersmith. The collective name for this gubbins he sells is “ephemera”. I have helped my dad sell ephemera since I was a small child and I’ve always found it extremely monotonous and boring. It still is a long and generally tedious day, that involves sitting around and doing very little but the characters that go to these events are hilarious. I’m going to give a little overview of the creatures who crawl around this function room of the Hammersmith Novotel looking for a bargain.

For whatever reason most of the ephemera and book fair circuit is made up of homosexuals, Jewish people and homosexual Jewish people. Now before you clench your PC arse cheeks together, worried that I will going into a homophobic and anti-Semitic diatribe, I am merely stating a fact about the customer demographic not passing judgement on anyone. Most of the men walking around are over the ages of 50 and generally have wispy white hair and dodgy beards so look like an army of wizards. Unfortunately, none of them can do any magic; instead they spent most of their time trying use the power of the mind to convince you to part with an item for a third of the price. There was one man walking around the fair with white hair, a bow tie, a jacket and holding an old wooden stick that you’d find in the forest, which either a rambler or Gandalf would carry: even the walking sticks in this place are antiques.
There is normally a bloke, who wears the same rain mack, every time he comes, whatever the weather. It is one of the grimiest unwashed garments I have ever laid my eyes on and really adds to the sex offender look. Not only this, he refuses to pay over £2 for anything despite being wealthy; I used to be intimidated by him (due to the sex offender look) but as I’ve grown older and become more confident I normally berate him by saying, “that’s a bit out of your price range because it’s over a quid, you tight bastard”.

In his absence, there were plenty of other nutters knocking around. The stuff that people collect is both fascinating and hilarious. People came up to me and asked if I was selling anything on, puzzles, bees, trees, horses (just horses, nothing else but horses). There is one white guy, who has grown a Mr Myagi beard and ties his hair up with chopsticks and only wants stuff on Japan: weirdo. Despite being surrounded by bizarre people I was still pretty bored by the end of the day. I was also perturbed because the woman running the fair told me off twice for not tidying up the stall. Getting told off as an adult is the worst feeling in the world but at the age of 24 you’d think I be old enough o stand up for myself; instead I do my reliable trick of saying “sorry”, then muttering to myself and sulking. Mature.

If you ever want to watch a crazy group of individuals get your ass down to an Ephemera fair and dress like a wizard.