At the start of the week I invited my friend Max Garth over to play Fifa but mainly because he wanted me to mention me in this blog. I’ve no idea why his name being read by 8 people is appealing to him but I thought I’d oblige.
Having said that, he is the most hilarious man to play a computer game against. He genuinely thinks it’s a real match. He slags the ref off for the whole match whilst claiming that I have bribed him. Unless there is a cheat I’m unaware of, I’ve no idea how you pay an imaginary person to fix an imaginary game. His competitiveness is actually more entertaining to watch than the game itself. I once played in a 5-aside team with him and when we conceded a goal he got on his knees he started slapping the ground like it was a naughty girl and he was a notorious porn star. The fact he’s a bit of a geezer makes it all the more amusing. He at one point, paused the game to shout “Ref, how did you not see that foul…owwwww….you just made me swallow me gum!” after he restarted it, the ref had in fact given him a free-kick so his gum swallowing was in vein.
“Can you do me a favour and hang with me at Chelsea and I will pay you 60 quid to dress as a bear”
The above sentence was a message I received from my friend Joe Williams on Wednesday night. I naturally replied with “What in the name of Jesus’s left testicle are you on about? “ Turns out Joe was organising a promotion for a new kids bear and to do so he needed someone to join him in dressing as a massive bear. I obliged, a bit because I love hanging out with Joe but mainly because I got to dress as a massive bear. The way he sold it to me was “mate, this is proper bear suit with a speaker in it and everything.” My main concern is the novelty would wear off after 10 minutes. I was correct. It was sweaty and heavy and I now have new found respect for anyone who dresses as a massive toy at Disney Land: that is a sentence I never thought I’d utter.
It was only between 11am-4pm and we shared the time out but as I haven’t had a proper job for 18 months, my lack of a work ethic was highlighted. I was ready to knock it on the head by lunch time. The low-lights of it were, the sweating, the fact it was a Chelsea scum bear and constantly fearing a kid hitting you in your buried treasure. The funniest thing was how everyone, adults or children just wanted to hug you, it made me feel really happy collecting over 300 hugs. The other messed up thought that jumped into my brain was: if you were a sex offender and you wanted to touch children get yourself a bear outfit. It also baffled me how stupid most kids were. 8 year old boys were saying, like they were mini Columbos, “I swear bruv, that ain’t a real bear, there’s a man in dat suit. I swear.” Whilst I was inside the suit shouting, “of course I’m not a real bear you moron”.
A lot of kids also thought Didier Drogba was inside the suit. They should not be allowed outside the house or in public.
In summary, make someone's Christmas and buy them a bear outfit...unless they're a pedophile.
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