Nov 1-5th: Getting sick sucks, especially when you don’t remember the 5th of November.

Comedians’ football aside, this week was spent feeling ‘under the weather’. It’s such a mum’s phrase but so accurate. Not fully bedridden but not 100%. When you’re feeling a bit ill you start telling anyone who will listen what percentage you’re at. I was going up to strangers saying, “I’m only feeling 70%” but turns out no one in Tesco cared. The benefits of living away from home far outweigh the negatives yet when you’re feeling like a bag of rat droppings all you want is a mum to put the palm of her hand on your forehead and bring you treats; I do mean ‘a’ mum because any mother will do when you’re below par. I’m looking into founding a rent-a-mum business for sick people: you get waited on hand and foot without getting nagged about tidying and washing.

When my percentage rose to an acceptable level, I managed to do a podcast with Carl Donnelly. After we’d talked nonsense we met up with Richard Mills to find a Chinese lantern for Fireworks weekend. The approach of fireworks night had completely passed me by because it is a holiday that has no appeal to me. It may sound miserable but my theory is once you’ve seen one firework, you’ve seen them all. The day a firework spells my name or shapes a penis in the sky is the day I get excited about bonfire night. Since there isn’t much money in spelling my name or displaying a massive sparkly cock at an event primarily more kids, I’m out.

Despite my apathy, I still helped Carl and Rich try to find a lantern because it was better than killing time alone. We went into a shop in Wimbledon that sells fireworks, guns and darts. I cannot believe that shop exists: all it’s missing is topless women staff to make it the most blokey shop in the world. The man who sold us the merchandise was also the biggest giggling geezer. When we went “have you got any Chinese lanterns?” He went, “no…apart from those massive one right in front of you”, then he laughed a lot. This also cheered me up and made me feel better. Therefore, I’m thinking of creating a rent-a-geezer business to be the sister company to my rent-a-mum and basically cure illness all around the world. Screw Oxfam, send mums and happy geezers to Africa and the world will be fixed. On that completely unexpected and odd note, laterz