This week I got to had a friend visit from Ireland so got to hang out with them and therefore stave off the loneliness for most of the week. Rather than bore you with that I’ll tell you about my cleaner again.
Firstly I actually found out her name, it’s Pepper. So now I make hilarious jokes to her like, “Where’s Salt?” and I start sneezing on her but as she still speaks no English she just stares at me. She came over on Tuesday as she normally does but this time my flat mate Be asked me to request she does his ironing because he’s the world’s laziest man. It took me about 5 minutes of me miming and gesticulating to convey this message. Once she’d started though I never realised how long it take to iron 15 shirts, she was about an hour in before I realised she probably wasn’t going to have time to clean the flat properly. Worried we’d have a flat that contains a human turd on the carpet but 15 really straight shirts, I emailed Be and BJ about the scenario. They hilariously sent me about 10 emails along the lines of, “stop her!” and “unplug the tossing iron!” I wasn’t going to try to get her to stop something I’d laboured over to get her to do, otherwise I might end up with an iron shaped burn mark on my forehead
Whilst this was all happening I got a text from a cockney builder coming to sort the damp out saying he’d be over in 20 mins. He was supposed to turn up the day after, but a builder being a day early is pretty rare so I wasn’t going to complain. I had to wait for him to come over before shooting off. Now baring in mind how hard it was for me to explain ironing to Pepper imagine how ridiculous it was that I was trying to explain a small, shaved-headed, cockney builder was coming over and they were going to be in the flat together. It’s like the script to a low budget porno/ 1970’s sitcom. I just had to leave these two paradoxical figures alone in my flat. No one was dead when I returned, so I guess it all worked out fine. In my head I like to think they had really hygienic and well-constructed sex. I don’t know why I have these thoughts….
This is all something a normal person would do in day-to-day life and think nothing of it, whereas it’s the highlight of my week.
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