23-27 April: …From a Land Down Under

I made it to New Zealand without dying. Another country on my travels where prostitution is legal. It seems to be a new rule I have. I only gig in countries where you have it off with a prostie without getting banged up. Not for my pleasure but it’s just comforting to know that none of the men around me ever have to be alone at night if they’re feeling unloved.

After shamelessly blagging a cheeky upgrade to premium economy I spent all week being jet lagged. I’d say the worst thing about jet-lag isn’t the dreamlike dizziness and the fatigue but the fact that all you seem to talk about is how jet lagged you are. This boring repartee if anything just adds to your tiredness. Now that I’m typing about it, I can actually feel it creeping back into my system. However, it’s not all I did for the first few days here. I’m in New Zealand, the other side of the world with countless activities, so naturally I watched the first series of Game of Thrones in my serviced apartment (like a mixture between a hotel room and a flat; the best thing about it is that I get to tell everyone I’m staying in a serviced apartment). GOT, is incredible. I never thought I’d be so addicted to watching dwarfs, incest and Sean Bean being a proper Yorkshire bloke. Even if you don’t like fantasy/medieval stuff, I recommend you give it a go. The main thing that has stuck with me after watching it, is that our lives are so much cushier than back then because almost every week someone you love gets murdered or raped.
As the jet-lag subsided I managed to, shows aside, do something constructive. Me and a few other great men (Bill Dawes, Dead Cat Bounce & one third of Axis of Awesome) went on a cycling tour around the vineyards of Waihiki. Being disorganized comedians we messed up the timings and basically rode on a bike to one vineyard and got drunk. On an island of seven thousand inhabitants we somehow managed to meet a slightly anti-Semitic Ukrainian girl and British girl who grew up near me. I will not going into details about this as there is a lot of you had to be there moments but my quote of the week goes to Bill Dawes. The 50 year old ex-pat guy we rented the bikes of seemed really mean and weird so I said to Bill:

“Does the bike rental guy seem weird to you? I’ve no idea why he’s so rude”

Bill perfectly concise American response:

“Dude, he sells bikes…on an Island. Of course he’s weird”

On that brilliantly valid point. Toodles