March 15th-20th

So I’ve realised writing a blog 5 days a week is actually quite hard and takes a lot of time. Therefore I will try to give a summary of what happen during my working week. That way I don’t have to put in pointless details such as “I had eggs for breakfast”. It really exemplifies just how incapable of a routine job I am that I’ve given up writing a daily blog after 2 weeks. To be fair, I do have to spend some of my time actually writing some funny jokes and stuff: judging by some of my material I definitely need to spend more time making it funnier.

I got my hair cut, which in my mind counts as a serious achievement in my daytime. It was in a fancy/trendy hairdressers, called Rush. I go there because my mate James’s sister, Natalie, gives me half price cuts. They still cost the fat end of £20 but you get free beer; something, which I avoid because after a few drinks I’d think any haircut was good. They could shave a cock in the back and I’d think, “stylish”.

I also got into a fully fledged conversation with Andy, the Body Pump instructor. He was walking parallel to me on route to the changing room so I felt compelled to ask, “do you teach just one lesson a day or several?” As you can tell by that icebreaker we had an absolutely fascinating chat. All I needed to do was talk about the weather and the traffic to complete the world’s shittest conversation.

My week consisted of lots of sleeping because I was gigging out of town pretty much every night of the week. One highlight or in retrospect lowlight of my week was when Charlie came over to mine on Friday. Obviously I was delighted to have a mate at mine to keep me company. We went for a belting lunch at The Regent, then Charlie popped into William Hill to play electronic roulette. There is something depressingly bleak and vapid about being in a bookmakers at 2pm on a Friday. Whenever you walk into one of those establishments the smell of regret, Special Brew and Silk Cut drifts up your nostrils and you realise you shouldn’t gamble; or at the very least do it online from the comfort of your home.

Talking of gambling, I introduced Charlie to chatroulette.com (check that mother fucking segway). He found it equally as hilarious as I initially did and the bonus was we only saw 5 or 6 erect male pipes. To spice things up I dropped the bombshell that I had a vast range of fancy dress garments in my room. If anyone had broken into my flat on Friday 19th at 3:30pm they would have seen two grown men dressed as a monkey and a crocodile, for the amusement of perverts on the internet. That really does epitomize two people with too much time on their hands: we invented dress down Friday for the unemployed….